My client was applying to a teaching program and wanted me to critique his personal narrative essay. He didn’t want a complete rewrite, just comments, and we agreed to use Microsoft Word’s comments feature for the edits, a useful feature even though it butchers the look of an essay. As you read my comments, you’ll see my overall critique followed by the line edits. It’s those line edits, the bracketed, italicized lines, which the comment feature makes so ugly. The client’s original essay is after the line edits. If you’d like to see all of this in one file rather than on a web page, I’m happy to email you one. Emailing me, by the way, is also the best way to reach me if you’d like me to look at your project.
Jump to:
Line Edits | Original Essay
Overall:
You’re fine at saying what you’re good at and intend to do as a teacher. And you come across as committed to the profession and serious about entering it. But the essay suffers without stories and leaves unanswered some important questions that the prompt asked implicitly: What experiences have you had with kids? What about with other teachers? What knowledge do you have of the subject you hope to teach? (For example—you failed to say in your graf. on analyzing that you have a degree in economics!) What experience do you have managing? Speaking? Explaining? Multi-tasking? All essential skills for a prospective teacher. So these questions are the first things to address in your next iteration. Fortunately, they will provide the anecdotes lacking in this draft.
Adding these anecdotes won’t be too tough. You do a good job giving each of your topics a solid paragraph; each paragraph a solid idea. In the next draft give a portion in each graf to a story in order to root the conclusion you’ve made with specific examples.
Furthermore, the ending needs works. I suggest using the idea that through teaching you hope to fuse your working class roots and professional work in banking and managing with an innate curiosity and interest in the world.
One final point: consider using contractions. It’s more conversational.
Line Edits on Essay:
My journey towards
[or: "My journey toward teaching"]
becoming a teacher began at a very
[Delete “very” ; unnecessary]
young age. I say this because I am committed to a lifetime of learning.
[Delete sentence beginning “I say this because….” We understand why you began your essay the way you did.]
My parents always encouraged learning as a child. I have vivid memories of pulling encyclopedias from the shelf to look up something I’d just heard or read.
[Missed Opportunity (MO): “When I go home, I take a book from the shelf and sit with my dad, reading for hours at a time.” Or something similar.]
After spending time in the professional world I came to the conclusion that I have the desire to become a teacher and make a career of encouraging the pursuit of knowledge myself.
[Myself should be in others]
The yearning to teach has always been a constant undercurrent throughout my adult life. Each time I meet someone who is a teacher or working to become one, a vision of myself leading a classroom discussion comes to mind. When I have a bad day at work
[Add “,”]
the longing for being in the classroom pervades my thoughts. There is a Latin proverb that says, “A life without learning is almost the image of death.” I certainly believe this
[Delete “certainly”; it’s a distracting emphasis]
to be true, and as a teacher if I can influence just one student to strengthen his or her desire to learn, my day will be fulfilled.
In this way I want to be an agent of change. I believe that one of the most obvious injustices in this country is the inequality of education provided in our school system.
[Any incident that personalized this issue for you? Describe]
I want to be a part of righting this wrong. I know that
[Delete “that” unnecessary so close to beginning of sentence]
I will find teaching in a diverse school where good teachers are badly needed very rewarding. A dedication to restoring parity in early education would certainly make our economy stronger and restore our competitiveness in the world. I want to be a part of bringing about this change.
[Rewording of sentence subject without new info or more clarity. This new graf. doesn’t follow in logic w/ previous one. I think you once said you had difficulty in the beginning of college adjusting to the culture, the demands, the way of life? If so, this fact could be a good end to the previous graf. about inequality and intro better to the new graf. about your background.]
I have a unique background that I think
[Delete “I think”; in fact, delete all the “I think's"; they qualify where you want to assert]
provides me with values and abilities that will suit me well in the education field. I grew up in Teague, Texas, a conservative
[Delete “conservative” (redundant due to next sentences “rural, conservative community”)]
town of about 3,500 people.
[MO: You told me your parents were unique in home town for how well-read they were, right? Describe a scene illustrating how important reading is to your family. For ex., going to a dinner with more than one newspaper; or debating abstractions or the economy.]
It was a rural, conservative community that revolved around personal responsibility and togetherness. Coming from a place where relationships are so intimate gives me the ability to see the potential in people with whom I have extended contact.
[Back this up with an example.]
As a teacher I will do my best to tap in to
[“in to” should be “into”]
this potential within each student, and help him or her to accomplish goals that they may have one day thought impossible. Although I have outgrown some of the structure of my rural upbringing
[add a comma after "upbringing"]
I retain the values that
[delete “that”]
I hold dear.
In college I moved to Austin, a very liberal city. I became involved in groups that believed strongly in peace and tolerance. These values were new to me in the how they apply to society, but innate values tacitly instilled by my family.
[or: “These were values tacitly instilled in me by my family, but were never in my mind applied to society at large.”]
I believe that in Austin’s more urban setting I developed a sharper awareness of more complex social structures and relationships as a result. The ability to look beyond the different backgrounds and upbringings will be instrumental in being a successful teacher. I believe that I can bring this diverse set of skills and values into the classroom and as a result be an encouraging and welcoming presence.
Good communication skills are the cornerstone of any skill set that a teacher should have. I believe that mine are highly developed and well suited for the classroom. I think it is very important to relate subject matter to students in way
[Way should be ways]
that affects them directly. In the classroom I intend to encourage discussion about how materials apply to students’ daily life. I hope to lead discussions on current events that relate to the materials being studied. I will never leave the question, “When will I ever need this?” unanswered.
[Great point! This promise shows you're thinking of what kind of teacher you'll be; I'd like to see more of that.]
In doing so I hope that students will gain a better understanding of the world around them and develop openness to other cultures, religions and backgrounds.
When approaching an issue or problem, I do so in a very analytical way. I desire to instill a well-rounded approach to the issues that everyone goes on to encounter in their life.
[This statement needs to be backed up with examples.]
There are many aspects of personal relationships and complex decisions that each student will invariably go on to face. Through teaching logical approaches to decision-making and conflict resolution I hope that these decisions come easier to them. I believe that this skill will assist each student in reaching his or her full potential, whether that be graduating from an Ivy League school, becoming an entrepreneur, or receiving a promotion within their chosen profession. I believe that teachers have a powerful influence on students’ futures, no matter how diverse the outcomes. I intend to be a strong and positive presence and leave a lasting impact on the young people that I encounter in my teaching career.
[Read the Overall section of my comments for a suggestion on how to make this ending stronger.]
The Original Essay:
My journey towards becoming a teacher began at a very young age. I say this because I am committed to a lifetime of learning. My parents always encouraged learning as a child. I have vivid memories of pulling encyclopedias from the shelf to look up something I’d just heard or read. After spending time in the professional world I came to the conclusion that I have the desire to become a teacher and make a career of encouraging the pursuit of knowledge myself. The yearning to teach has always been a constant undercurrent throughout my adult life. Each time I meet someone who is a teacher or working to become one, a vision of myself leading a classroom discussion comes to mind. When I have a bad day at work the longing for being in the classroom pervades my thoughts. There is a Latin proverb that says, “A life without learning is almost the image of death.” I certainly believe this to be true, and as a teacher if I can influence just one student to strengthen his or her desire to learn, my day will be fulfilled.
In this way I want to be an agent of change. I believe that one of the most obvious injustices in this country is the inequality of education provided in our school system. I want to be a part of righting this wrong. I know that I will find teaching in a diverse school where good teachers are badly needed very rewarding. A dedication to restoring parity in early education would certainly make our economy stronger and restore our competitiveness in the world. I want to be a part of bringing about this change.
I have a unique background that I think provides me with values and abilities that will suit me well in the education field. I grew up in Teague, Texas, a conservative town of about 3,500 people. It was a rural, conservative community that revolved around personal responsibility and togetherness. Coming from a place where relationships are so intimate gives me the ability to see the potential in people with whom I have extended contact. As a teacher I will do my best to tap in to this potential within each student, and help him or her to accomplish goals that they may have one day thought impossible. Although I have outgrown some of the structure of my rural upbringing I retain the values that I hold dear.
In college I moved to Austin, a very liberal city. I became involved in groups that believed strongly in peace and tolerance. These values were new to me in the how they apply to society, but innate values tacitly instilled by my family. I believe that in Austin’s more urban setting I developed a sharper awareness of more complex social structures and relationships as a result. The ability to look beyond the different backgrounds and upbringings will be instrumental in being a successful teacher. I believe that I can bring this diverse set of skills and values into the classroom and as a result be an encouraging and welcoming presence.
Good communication skills are the cornerstone of any skill set that a teacher should have. I believe that mine are highly developed and well suited for the classroom. I think it is very important to relate subject matter to students in way that affects them directly. In the classroom I intend to encourage discussion about how materials apply to students’ daily life. I hope to lead discussions on current events that relate to the materials being studied. I will never leave the question, “When will I ever need this?” unanswered. In doing so I hope that students will gain a better understanding of the world around them and develop openness to other cultures, religions and backgrounds.
When approaching an issue or problem, I do so in a very analytical way. I desire to instill a well-rounded approach to the issues that everyone goes on to encounter in their life. There are many aspects of personal relationships and complex decisions that each student will invariably go on to face. Through teaching logical approaches to decision-making and conflict resolution I hope that these decisions come easier to them. I believe that this skill will assist each student in reaching his or her full potential, whether that be graduating from an Ivy League school, becoming an entrepreneur, or receiving a promotion within their chosen profession. I believe that teachers have a powerful influence on students’ futures, no matter how diverse the outcomes. I intend to be a strong and positive presence and leave a lasting impact on the young people that I encounter in my teaching career.
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